So, I’ve wanted to make this post for awhile but I never really took the time to think about it and I don’t think I can hold it off any longer without harming myself or others further.
On Wednesday, May 8th 2019, I made a plan to kill myself and had every belief that I was going to carry it out that night. I ended up having a breakdown instead and reaching out to a friend who encouraged me to admit myself to a hospital and get professional help.
Even though I did do that I did not get the help that I needed and atm I have no plans to go back unless I believe that I will.
I have been depressed for the majority of my youth, with small moments of relief sprinkled throughout but my lack of responsibility to my healing has allowed me to be destructive to myself and several others in my life.
I self-harm regularly, I lie about my state of being regularly, I have ruined almost every opportunity that has been given to me whether it be school or work or other opportunities.
I have lashed out at people because of my erratic mood, disregarded people’s feelings and livelihoods because I felt it wasn’t as important as what I was going through, and for years I have ended relationships, burned bridges, and treated people like crap because I had no esteem and didn’t think I was deserving of any sort of love or companionship.
I am making this post and making it public to be truly open and honest about what I go through so I can’t lie or deceive myself or anyone else about this as even though I am praised for being so self-aware of everything that I experience, I have also been smart enough to know exactly how to continue destroying myself instead of doing the work necessary to heal and recover.
& I know people will say that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself that it was my illness or that I didn’t have all of the opportunities others had in their lives, I was abused, I have ADHD, and that’s completely true. But I’m not doing this out of cruelty I’m doing this out of compassion for myself, airing everything out and having something real that I can’t look away from or push aside.
So, I’m going to be leaving all social media behind for a year, possibly less, and I understand if you wish to unfollow me or anything like that, umm, if you want the more in depth posts feel free to add my Facebook? I don’t really have the spoons to say anything else
1. Don’t beat yourself. We all make mistakes, have bad experiences, and get it wrong at times.
2. Don’t dwell on what happened. Choose to learn from the past – but remember that your power’s in the present and the future.
3. Remember your potential, and what’s possible for you. You’re not that one experience or bad result.
4. Don’t let others’ expectations shape and influence your goals. It’s not their life you’re living … So decide what you will do.
5. Imagine how you’ll feel if you persevere and, despite all the obstacles, achieve success. That’s surely worth the effort, even thought it’s hard right now.
6. Just take one small step … It will rebuild your confidence … And then take another … And another after that.
